Accepting gifts, gracefully

Dear Hilka,

I have a friend who lives very far from my home. We communicate only by letters. On my birthdays, he sends me gifts by post; sometimes it is dressing material, sometimes a diary. I feel very uncomfortable with this. I value him as a friend but how do I tell him to stop sending me gifts without offending his feelings?

With warm regards,

Gifted

Dear Gifted,

HOW fortunate you are to have a friend who remembers your birthday, let alone sends you gifts. However, I can understand how those gifts can make you feel uncomfortable. Very often others, with the best of intentions, send us gifts that create an unwanted obligation or gifts that we do not like, cannot use, can't afford to reciprocate or don't know what to give in return.

Telling others you do not want to receive their gifts, for whatever reason, can be awkward. It has to be handled very gently so that you do not offend them and jeopardise the friendship. Thank your friend for his generosity and let him know how much you appreciate his thoughtfulness in remembering your birthday every year, because even if you don't appreciate the gift, you can appreciate his thoughtfulness and generosity. Then explain how you feel — uncomfortable, obligated, unable to reciprocate, or whatever else — by receiving these gifts. Do not, though, tell him you do not like his gifts or that his taste leaves a great deal to be desired. Let him know that you would appreciate it even more if he would give you the gift of not sending a gift the next time. Don't forget to reiterate how much you value his friendship and the correspondence you exchange.

Do not send the letter immediately. Wait a day or two to reread it to make sure you have not been accusatory, insulting or negative in any way.

Your friend may or may not adhere to your wishes immediately. You may have to write one or two more gentle letters requesting that he stop sending the gifts. If he continues to send them even after two or three requests to stop, then accept his gifts graciously and let the matter drop. My mother and I both have friends like that, who, no matter how often you ask them not to send gifts, continue to do so. Some people feel a compulsion to give, and the most gracious thing we can do is to accept gracefully.

Sincerely,

hilka-hindu@hotmail.com

HILKA KLINKENBERG

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