Hold your temper

DR. S. MOHAN RAJ

Have you ever wondered how nice it would have been if you had an "Undo" option tucked somewhere in real life? Especially after you had lost your temper and been rude to somebody?

Most of us feel guilty after we lose our temper. If the guilt follows immediately, we can sort things out with a quick apology. If the guilt arrives late, we would have missed the opportunity to limit the damage in that particular situation. But then, life presents us with many such situations in the future and the option of losing our temper or keeping it.

Sometimes, we don't feel guilty at all. We justify our anger. "Nothing wrong in me becoming angry. Did you hear what he said?" we would ask, forgetting that we were the ones who started the tussle and he was merely returning our compliments.

Anger is futile. We become angry to drive home a point, but others miss it. Instead, they focus on our emotion. What we do in anger will elicit more attention than why we became angry in the first place. Moreover, the person on whom the anger is directed would become defensive and would not accept our argument even if we were correct.

Some persons consider anger useful. "Getting angry is the only way I get my parents to give in to my demands," says Ranjit (name changed). This is a maladaptive behaviour and response that Ranjit and his parents have conditioned each other into. It is similar to a child throwing a tantrum and the parent yielding to it. If Ranjit gets used to a cozy style of getting things done by slamming a door or raising his voice, he will tend to do it with everyone. And others are not going to be as tolerant as his parents are.

Are there simple techniques by which we can control or channelise our anger? You would have heard the advice to count one to ten when you become angry. It works for many. The logic is as follows. The moment we become angry, we lose our sense. We do things without realising its gravity. Counting numbers postpones the expression of anger. By postponing the action by a few seconds, it is hoped that better sense will prevail and we will avoid the action.

If you are angry with someone and feel like shouting at him/her, take a piece of paper, address it to them and start writing down whatever you wanted to say to them. Do not edit or be polite. Write exactly what comes to your mind, including unparliamentary words. The very process of writing helps you to ventilate your anger and make you feel better. Keep the paper safely locked up. Read it after a few hours, when you are not angry. If you feel that you have been very rude, you can destroy the paper. Remember the 'Undo' option that we were talking about in the beginning. If you feel that your anger is justified and has to be conveyed, write another letter with the same points, but in a polite tone. It is possible to convey displeasure using polite words. Once you practise it in writing, you will be able to do it in speech too.

There is tremendous energy generated by anger. This energy should be channelised in socially appropriate ways rather than to break curios or bend steel lunch plates. Playing games where you get to hit the ball hard is a good method to channelise anger. Games like Tennis, Badminton, Squash or Cricket, where you can smash the ball, help. Playing conditions help you to regulate your expression of anger. For example, you are angry with someone and you are playing badminton. You start smashing the shuttle and feel a bit relieved. Your angry strokes will often land the shuttle outside the court. This will gradually make you tone down your shots and also your anger. When you channelise your anger, there is no limit to what you can achieve with that energy. Remember the way Rahul Dravid channelised his anger against sports writers in Kolkata?

Some use poetry writing or painting as a means for venting anger. Humour too, is a good method. Look at some of the cartoons, which deal with larger social issues. The cartoonist's point is made, laced with humour, and anger is barely visible.

Many of us resort to cynicism when we become angry at the system. Once we become cynical, we tend to view everything negatively. Guard against becoming cynical. Instead, you can do something about the system. For example, you can write to your local newspaper about the civic problems in your area, which makes you angry. On many occasions, inefficiency of local administration or injustice to a group of people has been corrected after the media highlighted the issue. Even if nothing comes out of your efforts, you will at least have the satisfaction of having done something about it.

The author is a Consultant Psychiatrist.

E-mail: mohanz@satyam.net.in

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