Pray, who is your confidante?

DR S. MOHAN RAJ

OVER dinner, Pratap (not his real name) told his parents that he had tried out a cigarette that morning along with friends. "Everyone was curious to try it and we bought a packet and..." he narrated as his parents listened patiently. Then, they told him that trying out once was fine, but to make it a habit wasn't. Pratap's father recalled his first cigarette while in college and why he chose not to continue smoking. Both parents explained about the long-term health hazards. Since then, Pratap has not smoked. He hasn't become a saint either. But, whatever he does, whether right or wrong, he tells his parents and takes their advice.

A confiding relationship with one's parents nurtures the adolescent and helps in combating stress. A recent survey of adolescents in the U.S. by the National Centre on Addiction and Substance Abuse has found that a confiding relationship with parents protects against substance abuse.

Both youngstersand parents are responsible for maintaining such a relationship. Parents have to nurture this from childhood by listening to whatever the children have to say. "I have no time now," or assorted variations of this message can slowly wean a child away from confiding in parents.

Another factor that dents this relationship is the adverse parental emotional response while the child/ adolescent is confiding in them. Vignesh (not his real name), 16 years old, returned home one evening and told his parents that he had been to a movie with his friends since school had closed at noon. He didn't inform them earlier as he didn't want to disturb them at work. On hearing this, Vignesh's father responded angrily and slapped him in the presence of his friends.

Two consequences are possible. 1. Vignesh might not go anywhere without taking permission. 2. He might go to such places from time to time, but would not tell his parents. "If I tell them, father reacts as if I have murdered somebody. Why trouble him?" would be his reasoning.

When adolescents confide in parents about something that the parents don't approve of, the best way to respond is to listen to the full account. Later, the parents could bring up the topic and say, "I was thinking about what you said..." and give their opinion and advice in a non-threatening fashion.

On their part, youngsters should continue to confide in parents regardless of the response they get. When parents respond adversely, just tell yourself that they are reacting that way because of their concern for you. Only that their reaction could have been better.

You can discuss this issue with them. Once they have settled down, calmly tell them what you think about their adverse reaction and how you felt while they were reacting that way. Reassure them that you will not disappoint them or do anything that will embarrass them. Tell them that you would like to keep them informed about all your activities, good or bad.

Parents who have "no time" to listen, belong to a different genre. It is just that they have got their priorities all mixed up. Some of them pay attention only after a major crisis like substance abuse, suicide attempt or a police arrest . Don't throw tantrums to elicit their attention. A simple "I want to talk to you for sometime" will work.

Choose a moment when they are relaxed and tell them that you t once is fine, but long time usage isn't. Pratap's fwant to talk to them. Once they are ready to listen, tell them how much you want to talk to them about your daily accomplishments and problems, however trivial they are and how much you look forward to their suggestions and advice. And most important, how much you miss them in your life. Even the most hard-nosed parent with mixed up priorities will be moved by your sincere appeal for time.

Some adolescents do not like to tell their parents everything, as they want to feel independent. We all need somebody to talk to. To ventilate our problems, share our moments of triumph or talk just plain trivia. Confiding in parents has got nothing to do with independence. You can feel and act independent. Just that you choose to share it with your parents.

Contrary to the popular notion that adolescents and parents do not like each other's actions, most adolescents report that they appreciate their parent's actions even if it is restrictive at times. Most parents report being proud of their adolescents' activities. Many among you, I am sure will be confiding in parents regularly. Don't you? Continue to do so. Moments spent with parents will remain treasures in memory, which will be rejuvenating in later life even if miles separate you from your parents.

The author is a consultant psychiatrist based in Chennai.

Email id:mohanz@satyam.net.in

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